This Moment

A (sometimes) Friday ritual inspired by SouleMama.

This Moment

A (sometimes) Friday ritual inspired by SouleMama.

Deciduous Autumn

It's so good when we find ourselves at a weekend, when we push through the laziness, and find ourselves outside, delighting in this best of all seasons. There's this rush of excitement that courses through me when I get a whiff of that fall smell. It means that apples and pumpkins will be fresh and willing to join other flavors in my kitchen. It also means that the thrill of the first snowfall is right around the corner. It means my favorite colors will splash into just about every view.

However, every year, there's nostalgia and a bit of sadness as I realize that it means that the year is coming to a close, that the nights are growing longer, that the sweet days of summer really are behind us. This year it feels even more bittersweet. If all goes according to plan, this will be our last year in this home and in this particular climate. We hope to start the next school year somewhere a bit more maritime, with more evergreens and less snow. I can't wait to move, to be in the lovely landscape over there, to venture some new starts, and, most importantly, to be closer to more of our family. But, my heart aches to be leaving this climate and this lovely world of fall smells, colors, and sensations. I hope that I will have been able to instill a little bit of my love for this place and this time of year in my girls. I want them to have at least a flicker of recognition if they get a bit of that scent or a glimpse of some brilliantly crimsoned maples.

Getting Back into the Swing of Things...

This is the first time in ages that I've even tried to put words to the page, a post to the blog. I've had thoughts of posts, but I haven't even come close to writing in months, literally. I haven't been checking blogs often and have whittled down the ones I check to just a few. Partly, it has been that I've been interested and engaged in other things, but mostly I've just been so busy, so tired, and so focused on the here and now.

I can't believe how crazy this school year has been already. I knew we were facing some transition time, adjusting to some fairly significant scheduling changes--the kids went from attending camp twice a week to going to school five days a week, and M. and I both started working five-day (although not quite full-time) weeks. I knew that the kids were going to react to new teachers and to more time away from home, but I thought (and still do) that the predictability of every week day being more-or-less the same would help the chaos I'd felt in the lop-sided schedules we'd been keeping pretty much since I went back to work after J. was born.

But, what I didn't count on was how much more attention, day and night, the girls would need to maintain equilibrium. I guess I should have. Some months ago, Nicola's post about sleep prompted me explore Raising Your Spirited Child which then led, by the suggestion of my dear, wise friend C. to my reading The Highly Sensitive Child. I hope to write more someday soon about the impact of these books, especially the second, on my life, both personal and professional, but suffice to say here, both these books helped me understand the parenting struggles I was facing and why change is so tough at times for my kids and what I might be able to do about it. So, I've been adapting and am starting to see the results. However, the process has been exhausting.

But then, on top of all of this, it turns out that I don't react to change all that well either. Adding several more hours of work and two more days in the office has been much more of a big deal than I thought it was going to be. I had done some grieving about losing my days of stay-at-home parenting but I didn't get how adding more time in my professional role was going to hit me. It's really been like starting a new job. I cleaned out and reorganized my office. I added new clients. I've been reading, attending trainings, and watching webinars. I've been energized and reinvigorated but also intensely exhausted and overwhelmed over these last couple of months. Like the girls, I've been struggling to find equilibrium.

And, of course, there's the dissertation, which has been consuming M.'s days and any other hours it can get its teeth into. The end is near, though. The defense date is narrowed down to, I think, two possible days; most of the first draft of the beast is into his committee; and he's ordered his cap, gown, and hood!

I think we're all moving into some new territory, with some new understanding and acceptance. It seems like a pretty good time to try to find my voice again in this space. Perhaps in the next few days and weeks, I'll try to document some of what we've been up to in my time away from this space and maybe put together some thoughts of looking ahead. We'll see how it goes.

This Moment

A (sometimes) Friday ritual inspired by SouleMama.

This Moment

A (sometimes) Friday ritual inspired by SouleMama.

This Moment

A (sometimes) Friday ritual inspired by SouleMama.

This Moment

A (sometimes) Friday ritual inspired by SouleMama.

This Moment

Hoping to have more than just a moment to post soon...

Inspired by SouleMama

This Moment

A Friday ritual inspired by SouleMama

A new thing has happened in my professional life/self--I've become interested and engaged in learning more lately. I know I'm always learning things from my clients and life in general which I synthesize and integrate into my work. But, I realized that since our finances have become a lot tighter and since I've been on this mama ride, I've done little continuing education.

For whatever reason, the other day, I got a bee in my bonnet about this and had a little bit of free time at work. So, through a little looking, I found that I could hear Dr. Bessel van der Kolk for free through the Psychotherapy Networker web offerings. This was the right thing at the right time. Van der Kolk has proved to be inspiring each time I've encountered him--through a wonderful, live lecture a few years ago, through articles he's quoted in, or this recent web talk.

He is so clearly compassionate about his work and his clients (yes, clients--he's a researcher, psychiatrist, professor, and lecturer who still does actual therapy with real people). When I've heard him, I've felt that perfect balance of support and inspiration. He backs up a lot of what I know and do with clients, but then he brings the breadth of his knowledge and curiosity and pushes my limits and sparks my interest. (Note to self: how can you try to find this balance in interactions with the girls?)

So, that was a nice beginning. Since then, I've been taking free time at work, when a client cancels or no shows, to find more trainings. I sit at my desk, maybe knit a bit so my focus is in that sweet spot where I'm not too fidgety to listen well, and take in 40 minutes or an hour of new material. It's so simple, really, but it has felt rather revolutionary.

This Moment

Inspired by SouleMama

Hats

About a year ago, I needed a change. I was not feeling like I had any space or direction of my own. I was feeling bogged down in my work and in my home life. At work, the listening to trauma was zapping my energy and at home, there was this issue of a two-year-old's tantrums...

So, I was looking for some help lifting the mood and finding a new perspective. A friend suggested a book, I Love You Rituals, to help bring some lightness into the parenting. Another friend loaned me the book, and J. and I had some fun with it, but I didn't end up buying it. However, I looked at its listing on Amazon, and in so doing found another book that I did buy, The Creative Family: How to Encourage Imagination and Nurture Family Connections, by Amanda Blake Soule.

Finding this book lead me back to an article in Mothering Magazine about momma blogs I had not really noticed the month it came out. From there, I found SouleMama, angry chicken, This Vintage Chica, and The Artful Parent (see side bar for links). These blogs and the many links they lead me to opened up so much creativity and curiosity for me! I started making and plotting to make and making some more.

It was at this time (May of last year), that I started this blog. I wanted to explore my own ideas and my own creative adventures. One such adventure was the making of a hat for C. (although I didn't end up blogging about it then). It was kind-of a revelation to me that I could make, from my own mind and fabric stash, a sweet hat for my sweet girl that actually fit her apparently-tiny-for-her-age, lovely, little head! That was just the beginning of my crafting and concocting for my girls.

Now, almost a year later, I find myself in the mood for both again--a hat and a change. Last weekend, I made C. her 2010 sun hat (or at least the first one; I might need to make another before too long). And this weekend, my sewing room/treadmill room/guest room got a makeover. I haven't been getting enough making done lately, and it's been feeling discouraging. Sleep has been tough, we've been sick constantly, and work is, well, work. So I really need my creative outlet to be working for me. So, some organization and new energy into the place seemed to be the ticket. I still have to hang some art and organize my notions, but the space is so much better and fresher. I'm feeling a lift and some excitement about the creative adventures ahead!

Adding My Moment

Amanda Soule has been posting a "this moment" photo each Friday for the past few weeks, which she describes as "A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor, and remember." I've been wanting to take her up on her invitation to join in, but Fridays (Thursday nights) are the toughest day here, as I work Thursdays and Fridays, and we'll all generally dragging by this time in the week. However, this week I couldn't resist capturing the new wheels...

Wednesday Morning

This Year's Egg-ventures

This year's bounty of dyed eggs were a bit more subdued, but as an earth-tone lover, they struck me as perfect. We tried natural dyes and a traditional technique I'd found written about a while ago in a Vegetarian Times magazine (here's another, similar article by the same author). We also used onion skins, turmeric, red cabbage, and beets, as detailed here to make the solid eggs (although we had limited success with cabbage and beets). I'm looking forward to next year already, as I want to give it another go.

But, now I'm on to the next thing. There are sun hats to be made and Mayday celebrations to be planned...

These impatiens keep blooming every few months. It seems miraculous, really. They're planted in a shallow pot in mediocre soil, they get only moderate light, and I water them quite haphazardly. But, yet, almost five years after they were potted for my stepfather's memorial, they keep flowering.

I'm remembering him today on what would be his 69th birthday. Wish he'd been able to be here to see all the blooming in this house.

The Overlap

Little by little it's becoming more natural. My creative making is starting to push into my work days. It started out slowly and the effort was mostly personal. I'd take a little time to blog surf and dream of projects for days off while downing my sandwich during the day. Or I'd take a brief moment during the day to knit a few rows to ground me and take a breath between intense sessions.

But now, little bits more have been creeping in more organically and enhancing my practice. This past month felt really good this way. I handed out a playdoh recipe to one client who wants to do some sculpting without the mess of clay. I also made a little boat from this tutorial, which I used in a new group I'm cofacilitating to hold little slips of paper from each member naming something that's holding her down and then, in the little pocket I sewed on the sail, something that is keeping her afloat. A few weeks ago, I talked knitting with another client and was able to explore some family relationships through the conversation.

(Now, as I'm writing this, I'm getting thinking about exploring family relationships through handcrafts or maybe cooking. I wonder what a genogram focused on making would look like?)

I'm really interested in where this is going to lead. I've never been particularly drawn to typical art therapy (I wrote some about my approach to therapy a while ago here) and a lot of the projects I naturally gravitate towards are not office-space or hour-session friendly. How will my form of creativity further make its way into my practice? My gut tells me not to force this. I've got decades left in my career and maybe this slow overlap can't be forced. I guess I just have to keep myself open to it and invite it when it comes knocking.

Crafty Connections

My blog-reading obsession and moderate Facebook addiction suck up lots of my time. I keep almost giving up these activities, hoping I might get a little of my brain back, but then I find a wonderful tutorial or a recipe that our family can't live without or images that help get me through the week or a friend that I haven't been in touch with in ages. That pesky intermittent reinforcement thing gets me yet again! I keep getting hooked, waiting for the next stroke of magic.

This week's dose was an overlapping sort--the Facebook world lead to the blog world. I connected with an old friend from high school, with whom I had lost contact, and then she found my blog and then I found hers. Now, I get to see what she's knitting and maybe quibble about the merits of Continental vs. English knitting (I'm a die-hard believer in the former, in most cases). I also was relieved of a pattern-figuring out task! I've been wanting to make another of what I now know is the "Lil' Devil Baby Hat" but figured I'd have to sleuth out the pattern from the fallen-apart original we were given as a hand-me-down when J. was born. But, aha! Now I know where to find the pattern thanks to this crafty (re)connection!!! I can save those brain cells for more Facebook and blog surfing.

My lil' devil, J., about 2 years ago

I Heart My Girls

It's been some time since I last posted. It seems to go like this--spurts of energy for blogging and then a dry spell and then a return to the posting (at least I hope I'm back at it for a little while). So, it's been nearly a month since Valentine's day, but I at least wanted to give it a little attention, as it was a notable one for me this year.

I don't, or I guess I should say didn't, care much about the holiday. It has always seemed like sort-of a silly, Hallmark holiday, focused so much on consumption and scripted symbols of love. Don't get me wrong, chocolates and roses, in my opinion, are really as good as they are supposed to be. However, being told that we need to buy them for our sweeties on a certain day and, of course, the more expensive the better, rubs me the wrong way. M. and I have sometimes observed Valentine's Day in our own way and sometimes not bothered at all. Throughout our relationship, we've always done little, sweet things for each other, and I've tended to love the surprise sweetnesses the most.

Also, it turns out, working with victims and survivors of domestic violence for nearly a decade has made me a wee bit cynical. I now seem to automatically associate typical Valentine's Day romantic pageantry with the make-up phase in a violent relationship, where the abusive partner says he/she is going to change, when everyone says it will never happen again and all is perfect, etc.

But this year it felt different. This year, instead of being annoyed by the whole thing, I couldn't help myself. I made pancakes in the shape of hearts; toast with heart-shaped cinnamon sugar; hearts from paper; silly Valentines for J's class (with her help), and a heart pillow for each girl. I realized what I know their grandparents figured out long ago: Valentine's Day is another opportunity to tell your kids you love them like crazy.

And I do. Valentine's Day or no, I can't stop showering my lovelies with kisses and endearments. It feels like the most natural thing in the world.

But, very, very sadly, when I go to work, I learn that it is not. I so often have found myself listening and witnessing the stories of people who have not felt that their mothers have loved them. At times, the results of these feelings have been far more devastating than other abuses my clients have been through.

As I've watched other, slightly younger clinicians learn this work, I've found that this aspect of the work, mothers not showing their love enough, appropriately enough, strongly enough, has been one of the hardest for them to bear. Witnessing the hurt that people experience when they don't feel loved by their mothers is heartbreaking. However, perhaps strangely, I'm drawn to this part of the work. And, luckily, it doesn't seem to push my buttons that much.

Through thinking about this Valentine's Day, I know more of why: I know my momma loves me endlessly. She tells me so all the time and has for as long as I've been around. I know how to do this loving-your-kids-and-telling-them-so thing without much thought; I've been learning it my whole life. And, I know that I'm passing along the same lessons to my girls.

Also, since becoming a mother, I've found myself bringing more parenting thoughts into the therapy room. I've been teaching some of my clients, who did not have enough loving experiences as kids, how to make things different in their parenting. It seems to be really hard work, at times, but the healing seems to be very profound when it comes.

So, this Valentine's Day, I not only found myself goofily making hearts out of everything, but I also discovered some profound gratitude. I'm grateful for the ways that loves flows so easily in my family, from me and to me. Grateful that I've got these amazing little girls to shower with love all the time. And, grateful that I've found work that lets me share these experiences, in little ways, with others who are hurting in hopes of helping them hurt just a little less.